Hippy
02-06-2012, 11:06 PM
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the tormenting experience of staying clam while these exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death...
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patiene was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
You may want to keep this message in mind when you are told candidates are fit to be President of the United States because he/she is an attorney!
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death...
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patiene was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
You may want to keep this message in mind when you are told candidates are fit to be President of the United States because he/she is an attorney!